He then told her of Okita’s assertion that both he and his missing partner had been part of that infamous policing force, answering the question that she brought up earlier in his office as he described memories of watching the shorter man helplessly coughing up blood that leaked through his pale fingers and stained the snow covered ground scarlet.
Saitoh was smart enough to steer clear of her comment about wifely obedience, stating that expected behaviors in the past were not necessarily needed in the present. He did admit however, that she’d been wise to follow his instructions and if he ever spoke to her in such tone, that there was a reason for it and she’d do well to listen. As for the part about duty, he didn’t need to tell her that some aspects of a man’s life remained constant, no matter how many years or lifetimes passed and was pleased that she was somehow already aware of this fact.
“I may offend you with my next answer, Takagi-san, but you did ask the question and I would not have you hold me in contempt for not responding truthfully,” Saitoh warned his voice dry and sardonic. “There are very few instances in my memories where your hair is unbound…and we are not engaged in some sort of intimate activity.”
The night before, after he’d woken up hunched over on the floor in his boys room, covered by a fluffy duck blanket of all strange things, Saitoh had wandered, still half asleep back to his room and had crashed, face down on the futon. Despite being in desperate need of sleep, his rest for the remainder of the night had been anything but restful. He’d dreamt of the woman sitting beside him, of unfastening her hair with his hands and pulling her down beside him on a futon lit only by a flickering candle lit lantern. In his dream, a winter storm had raged outside, battering the wooden structure with ferocious wind. They’d paid the weather no mind, he and his wife, for they had the means and the motive to help each other stay warm.
“You have no recollection of this, do you?” He said, not unkindly, though he was surprised and a trifle dismayed that those most private of memories, proof positive in his mind at how compatible they truly were, had been denied to her. “They will come in time and will be I suspect a comfort to you as they are to me. But perhaps this is for the best. Given your background, I think having to carry the weight of such remembrances could prove initially unsettling to you, especially now, when we are still learning about each other.”
He reached out and took one of her hands in his and gave it a reassuring squeeze. Saitoh could tell she was nervous and while her question had technically led to this conversation, it wouldn’t do to have her worrying about this aspect of their past or potentially future relationship. “I have no expectations of you in this regard and the promise I made in my office about accepting only what you freely give to me still holds and always will, so be at peace.”
This left the last two questions, the two recollections that Saitoh honestly had no desire to dwell upon. It was his duty however to properly disclose certain facts about himself and perhaps this was the vehicle by which to engage in proper due diligence.
“I also am aware that my life ended before yours. I remember you sitting beside me. We were old, our boys grown with families and children of their own.” He looked over at the pretty woman, superimposing the memory of her softly lined face and snow white hair on her still youthful features.
“I was dying of some sort of malignancy in my stomach.” He could remember coughing up blood the color of pitch, of a terrible burning pain that threatened to consume him from the inside out. “The doctors said it was due to excessive drinking. You stayed with me, trying to ease my pain, day after day, night after night until the fire and blood moved up into my throat…” He grimaced at the memory and could almost taste the bile and blood and sense how painful it had been during those last few agonizing days of life.
Unbidden his free hand went to his throat. “You never left my side and my last memories are of you, of your arms around me as I struggled to breathe.” It was eerie, recalling one’s own demise. Saitoh knew he’d died painfully and slowly and that his passing had been heart wrenching for his wife.
Unable to completely banish the memory of dying due to a lifetime of drinking, he looked down at the floor, his expression becoming hard…haunted. “I drank heavily back then and when under the influence of liquor, was not an agreeable individual to be around.” A sudden desire to drink sake filled his mouth. He had to swallow and set the ache aside. “Drinking made me violent and ill-tempered, and while I can honestly say that I have no memory of laying a hand on you in anger, there were times that I did not treat you with the respect and kindness that was due. You got in the habit of calling me an ornery old wolf when I behaved thusly.”
Saitoh was not in the habit of giving anyone explanations for his behavior, nor was he well versed with exposing his own shortcomings to another human being. (I have to do this…) His honor and her honesty up to this point demanded nothing less. He tightened his jaw until he could almost hear the enamel cracking and forced himself to continue speaking.
“I have heard that those who do not learn from the mistakes of the past are condemned to repeat them. This is a true statement; and is unfortunately applicable in my own life. I was young when I was drafted and found that liquor dulled certain difficult aspects of military life. After the war was over and I had joined the police force, I continued to imbibe, though never to dangerous excess.”
Saitoh stood up and walked over to the table that held the protective eyewear and picked up his folded shirt. “That changed after….” He scowled and slipped on his shirt, his voice becoming rough and raw with loss, “…after Yaso passed away. I lacked the skills to cope with her death and the manner in which she was killed and began drinking heavily.” Saitoh buttoned up his shirt. “I nearly died from alcohol poisoning after one of the men who raped and murdered my wife was released on a legal technicality during his trial. Okita found me, unconscious and locked up in my office and got me to a hospital before my heart stopped. My children went to live with my sister. They needed stability and support and at the time, I was too ill to be of any use to either of them.”
Saitoh turned and leaned against the table, the weight of regret pushing hard against his resolve. “I have very few regrets as far as my conduct goes, Takagi-san, but this is one mistake that I will carry for the rest of my life.
He sounded angry. He was angry at himself .
“While I will not make excuses for my behavior, or diminish the dreadful impact that my addiction had on myself and my family, I would have you know that I am trying to make amends, am active in AA and have been sober for a little over a year. I have never retreated from a battle, never considered turning my back on a fight and refuse to let this weakness define me any more than it already has.”
Saitoh carefully tucked in his shirt over his armor and adjusted his hostlers and belt then picked up Takagi’s holster, purse and delicate blouse and carried them over to where she was sitting and offered them to her.
“This is not the sort of information a man wants to share with a woman he’s attracted to and admires, but you need to be aware of that I have a serious liability, one that you would do well to consider before we get any closer than we already are.”
no subject
Saitoh was smart enough to steer clear of her comment about wifely obedience, stating that expected behaviors in the past were not necessarily needed in the present. He did admit however, that she’d been wise to follow his instructions and if he ever spoke to her in such tone, that there was a reason for it and she’d do well to listen. As for the part about duty, he didn’t need to tell her that some aspects of a man’s life remained constant, no matter how many years or lifetimes passed and was pleased that she was somehow already aware of this fact.
“I may offend you with my next answer, Takagi-san, but you did ask the question and I would not have you hold me in contempt for not responding truthfully,” Saitoh warned his voice dry and sardonic. “There are very few instances in my memories where your hair is unbound…and we are not engaged in some sort of intimate activity.”
The night before, after he’d woken up hunched over on the floor in his boys room, covered by a fluffy duck blanket of all strange things, Saitoh had wandered, still half asleep back to his room and had crashed, face down on the futon. Despite being in desperate need of sleep, his rest for the remainder of the night had been anything but restful. He’d dreamt of the woman sitting beside him, of unfastening her hair with his hands and pulling her down beside him on a futon lit only by a flickering candle lit lantern. In his dream, a winter storm had raged outside, battering the wooden structure with ferocious wind. They’d paid the weather no mind, he and his wife, for they had the means and the motive to help each other stay warm.
“You have no recollection of this, do you?” He said, not unkindly, though he was surprised and a trifle dismayed that those most private of memories, proof positive in his mind at how compatible they truly were, had been denied to her. “They will come in time and will be I suspect a comfort to you as they are to me. But perhaps this is for the best. Given your background, I think having to carry the weight of such remembrances could prove initially unsettling to you, especially now, when we are still learning about each other.”
He reached out and took one of her hands in his and gave it a reassuring squeeze. Saitoh could tell she was nervous and while her question had technically led to this conversation, it wouldn’t do to have her worrying about this aspect of their past or potentially future relationship. “I have no expectations of you in this regard and the promise I made in my office about accepting only what you freely give to me still holds and always will, so be at peace.”
This left the last two questions, the two recollections that Saitoh honestly had no desire to dwell upon. It was his duty however to properly disclose certain facts about himself and perhaps this was the vehicle by which to engage in proper due diligence.
“I also am aware that my life ended before yours. I remember you sitting beside me. We were old, our boys grown with families and children of their own.” He looked over at the pretty woman, superimposing the memory of her softly lined face and snow white hair on her still youthful features.
“I was dying of some sort of malignancy in my stomach.” He could remember coughing up blood the color of pitch, of a terrible burning pain that threatened to consume him from the inside out. “The doctors said it was due to excessive drinking. You stayed with me, trying to ease my pain, day after day, night after night until the fire and blood moved up into my throat…” He grimaced at the memory and could almost taste the bile and blood and sense how painful it had been during those last few agonizing days of life.
Unbidden his free hand went to his throat. “You never left my side and my last memories are of you, of your arms around me as I struggled to breathe.” It was eerie, recalling one’s own demise. Saitoh knew he’d died painfully and slowly and that his passing had been heart wrenching for his wife.
Unable to completely banish the memory of dying due to a lifetime of drinking, he looked down at the floor, his expression becoming hard…haunted. “I drank heavily back then and when under the influence of liquor, was not an agreeable individual to be around.” A sudden desire to drink sake filled his mouth. He had to swallow and set the ache aside. “Drinking made me violent and ill-tempered, and while I can honestly say that I have no memory of laying a hand on you in anger, there were times that I did not treat you with the respect and kindness that was due. You got in the habit of calling me an ornery old wolf when I behaved thusly.”
Saitoh was not in the habit of giving anyone explanations for his behavior, nor was he well versed with exposing his own shortcomings to another human being. (I have to do this…) His honor and her honesty up to this point demanded nothing less. He tightened his jaw until he could almost hear the enamel cracking and forced himself to continue speaking.
“I have heard that those who do not learn from the mistakes of the past are condemned to repeat them. This is a true statement; and is unfortunately applicable in my own life. I was young when I was drafted and found that liquor dulled certain difficult aspects of military life. After the war was over and I had joined the police force, I continued to imbibe, though never to dangerous excess.”
Saitoh stood up and walked over to the table that held the protective eyewear and picked up his folded shirt. “That changed after….” He scowled and slipped on his shirt, his voice becoming rough and raw with loss, “…after Yaso passed away. I lacked the skills to cope with her death and the manner in which she was killed and began drinking heavily.” Saitoh buttoned up his shirt. “I nearly died from alcohol poisoning after one of the men who raped and murdered my wife was released on a legal technicality during his trial. Okita found me, unconscious and locked up in my office and got me to a hospital before my heart stopped. My children went to live with my sister. They needed stability and support and at the time, I was too ill to be of any use to either of them.”
Saitoh turned and leaned against the table, the weight of regret pushing hard against his resolve. “I have very few regrets as far as my conduct goes, Takagi-san, but this is one mistake that I will carry for the rest of my life.
He sounded angry. He was angry at himself .
“While I will not make excuses for my behavior, or diminish the dreadful impact that my addiction had on myself and my family, I would have you know that I am trying to make amends, am active in AA and have been sober for a little over a year. I have never retreated from a battle, never considered turning my back on a fight and refuse to let this weakness define me any more than it already has.”
Saitoh carefully tucked in his shirt over his armor and adjusted his hostlers and belt then picked up Takagi’s holster, purse and delicate blouse and carried them over to where she was sitting and offered them to her.
“This is not the sort of information a man wants to share with a woman he’s attracted to and admires, but you need to be aware of that I have a serious liability, one that you would do well to consider before we get any closer than we already are.”