“No, I don’t do anything half way,” she responded emphatically, but with a little smile, thinking that he should have known that if he’d been her husband.
She followed him over to the bench and plopped down beside him, scooting over a little so she was tucked in next to him, taking advantage of the heat that seemed to roll off of him. Now that she wasn’t moving around shooting, or wrapped in his embrace, her bare arms were becoming chilled. She still felt compelled to be as close to him as possible, but at least now she wasn’t continually asking herself why. She waited patiently for him to respond to everything that she had quizzed him about, wondering how much he was willing to share with her.
His mentioning holding her shoulders with white-gloved hands, gloves similar to the ones he currently wore with his dress uniform, jogged her mind. She knew something else about those white gloves, but the memory of what it was refused to surface; she furrowed her brow in frustration.
She told him sincerely that she appreciated him filling in her memory gaps of the events she related to him. He confirmed again that they did have three boys. That is what she first thought when her secretary told her about the Saitoh family tragedy. She wondered if his children with Yaso looked anything like the boys they’d had together. Would she recognize them by sight, or perhaps by the feelings that they would rekindle in her? The thought of having been a mother, even so long ago, was daunting, due to the responsibility it involved.
It was interesting to her that she could put a place to her memories, while he could not. “But you were always good with details; it was why you were so good at your job at the TMPD,” she blurted out without thinking. She felt that there was more to that day in Tonami, when he’d tried to warm her shivering body. To her it was associated with great pain, both physical and emotional. “I can’t help but think that there was something more to that day in the cold. I think it was something that affected both of us deeply, but right now I have no clue what it could be,” the attorney confessed to him.
After hearing what he said about Okita’s illness during the Bakumatsu she told Saitoh that she had seen a vision of blood on his partner when he first mentioned the man this morning in his office. She also knew that she had warm regard for the short, master swordsman, that he had been an important friend to both of them. She wished that she could meet Okita in this life.
She agreed with Saitoh that times had changed. Women were no longer property to be lorded over by their husbands. However, Tokio knew that a caring husband wanted only what was best for his wife and that there were times when it was best to just listen and obey for the sake of safety. He reminded her of this important fact when he told her that she had been wise to follow the instructions that he gave at the diner, telling her that if he ever spoke to her in such a tone, there was a reason for it and she would do well to listen. She knew she would.
She sat up a little straighter when he asserted that she might be offended by his next revelation. She hoped that he would be candid with her, regardless of the subject matter, and he did not disappoint, revealing the information without mincing words. At least now she knew where playing with her unbound hair led. Well, what did she expect? They certainly would have engaged in those sorts of activities, during the course of a normal married life.
“You have no recollection of this, do you?”
“No, I’m sorry I don’t, not yet anyway,” she said, a slight blush ghosting across her cheeks. Perhaps it was better she didn’t remember the intimate encounters of their past until they knew each other better in the present. “But I do like to be close to you and I like it when you hold me. Maybe touching my hair will help me remember…,” she trailed off, hesitating a moment before adding, “…and I miss you when we are apart.” How idiotic a feeling towards a man you’ve known for a whole 24 hours, she thought to herself. His hand scooped up hers and gave it a reassuring squeeze as he reminded her, again, of his honorable intentions. She trusted his promise not to push her, but she knew that *if* he still had feelings for her, it wouldn’t be easy for him. Did he feel more than just a responsibility that stemmed from his sense of duty? It was too early to ask that question. But she really did want to know how he felt about her now.
Tokio nodded in understanding, knowing how difficult it had to be for him to tell her these things that she had asked. So that was it. He passed away six years before she did. Tears welled in her eyes as she thought about how he suffered during his last days. She now remembered that Midori, her daughter-in-law, had been there to help her. They removed the phlegm from his mouth as he coughed it up. It broke her heart to see him struggle with his illness. “But you were strong and stoic to the end. You left this world in seiza,” she reminded him, “with me sitting behind you, my arms around you, holding you until you took your last breath.” Tokio looked stricken, bringing her free hand over to join the one of hers he was holding. She felt so lost and hopeless when he was no longer by her side her. If not for living with her oldest son, and being surrounded by his five or six children, she wasn’t able to recall exactly how many grandchildren there were, she would have found a way to follow her husband to the afterlife.
The attorney sensed that the most difficult admissions were yet to come. His face took on a haunted look that frightened her, when he spoke of his heavy drinking during the first Meiji era, confessing that under the influence of alcohol, he was ill-tempered, disagreeable and sometimes violent. But he was correct; he never, ever laid a hand on her. Yes, sometimes it did seem that she would be crushed by his attitude when he was under the influence, but she always managed to bring him back to his old self, eventually.
She had a confession of her own to make now that she was able to remember. “During those times when you drank, I was frustrated with you and the way you acted. You are right; you never laid a hand on me in anger in our entire married life. I don’t know how I know that, but I do.” The little voice piped up that he had laid a hand on her plenty of times, but only because he wanted to please her. “I’m sorry, I never should have called you an ornery old wolf, regardless of how you acted, because I knew that it wasn’t you, it was the sake talking.” She lowered her voice to an almost inaudible whisper, “and I know I loved you back then, very much, and that is not something to say to someone you love.”
“I have heard that those who do not learn from the mistakes of the past are condemned to repeat them.”
She shivered against him, almost dreading what he would tell her next after she just admitted to how she felt about him all those years ago. Would he tell her that their first marriage was a mistake, because of his alcohol induced bouts of nastiness? Would he tell her that he wouldn’t subject her to his bad temper in this lifetime? She was still holding one of his hands in both of hers when he stood and walked away from her, leaving a cold feeling in the pit of her stomach.
Leaning on a nearby table for support, he began speaking about his use of alcohol in this era, and why it became a problem. Her heart ached for him. In this life she had not suffered; in this life he had lost almost everything. She listened in anguished silence, wanting nothing more than to comfort and support him, to erase the hurt in his heart and mind. When this honest, honorable man before her admitted to carrying this one mistake of his for the rest of his life, she could not hold back the tears that trickled down her cheeks. He admitted the horrible impact his addiction had on his family, and how he was trying to stay sober. She knew he was a fighter, and she had no doubt that he would ultimately win this battle he was fighting with himself.
“This is not the sort of information a man wants to share with a woman he’s attracted to and admires, but you need to be aware that I have a serious liability, one that you would do well to consider before we get any closer than we already are.”
Rising up to meet him as he approached her, she took the things he offered and set them down on the bench where she’d been sitting. She knew what it cost a man like Saitoh to admit to anyone that he had lost control and submitted to a personal weakness. She slipped her arms around his waist and drew herself close to him, resting her cheek against his chest, listening to his steady heart beat. “Thank you for sharing all of this with me. I can hardly imagine how difficult this episode of your life has been for you.” The loss of Yaso, the woman he loved dearly, in such a brutal manner; drowning himself in alcohol as a result; and giving up his children to the care of his sister –that witch, her mind interjected- would have killed a lesser man.
“Thank you for being so honest with me. You have no idea what it means to me to be taken into your confidence, but I already knew most of this,” she stopped speaking a moment to look into his eyes. “This morning, my secretary told me about how you turned to the bottle after what happened to Yaso-san, and she told me a ‘rumor’ about what Okita-san did for you, too, but I know that she was only disguising the truth out of respect for you.”
“I have considered what you did to try to cope with your family tragedy, and I don’t think of it as a liability. I think of it as a life challenge, something that I would be honored to help you with if you would allow me.”
She had to turn away from him then, because the little trail of tears welling from her eyes would soon become a river if she didn’t get a grip on herself. It hurt her so much to know that such severe pain and anguish had plagued him in this lifetime.
Stepping over to the bench, she silently grabbed her shoulder holster and fastened it over her body armor before donning her blouse. Tokio left it loose at the bottom, so she would have easy access to her side arm. She wasn’t ready to face him yet. Although she felt completely drained emotionally, she knew that the path of discovery that they were walking was no mistake, and was very necessary. She took comfort in the fact that he was attracted to her and admired her. Creation had to know that she felt the same way about him. Could attraction and admiration blossom into something more? Only time would tell.
Glancing down at her gloved hands, she let out a sigh. It was time to take these things off, but she needed help. She sniffed a couple of times to clear her nose, wishing that she’d put a hanky in her pocket this morning, then she wiped the back of her hand over her eyes to erase the signs of her weakness before speaking. She still didn’t trust herself to keep her composure, so she kept her back to him as she spoke.
“My medi-burn gloves are supposed to come off today. It takes two hands to get them off, and since I live alone there is no one there to help me. Would you mind removing them for me, now that we are finished with our target session?”
As an afterthought she added, “By the way, who is Tsutomu?” It was the name she whispered in that vision she had.
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Date: 2012-05-24 02:10 am (UTC)She followed him over to the bench and plopped down beside him, scooting over a little so she was tucked in next to him, taking advantage of the heat that seemed to roll off of him. Now that she wasn’t moving around shooting, or wrapped in his embrace, her bare arms were becoming chilled. She still felt compelled to be as close to him as possible, but at least now she wasn’t continually asking herself why. She waited patiently for him to respond to everything that she had quizzed him about, wondering how much he was willing to share with her.
His mentioning holding her shoulders with white-gloved hands, gloves similar to the ones he currently wore with his dress uniform, jogged her mind. She knew something else about those white gloves, but the memory of what it was refused to surface; she furrowed her brow in frustration.
She told him sincerely that she appreciated him filling in her memory gaps of the events she related to him. He confirmed again that they did have three boys. That is what she first thought when her secretary told her about the Saitoh family tragedy. She wondered if his children with Yaso looked anything like the boys they’d had together. Would she recognize them by sight, or perhaps by the feelings that they would rekindle in her? The thought of having been a mother, even so long ago, was daunting, due to the responsibility it involved.
It was interesting to her that she could put a place to her memories, while he could not. “But you were always good with details; it was why you were so good at your job at the TMPD,” she blurted out without thinking. She felt that there was more to that day in Tonami, when he’d tried to warm her shivering body. To her it was associated with great pain, both physical and emotional. “I can’t help but think that there was something more to that day in the cold. I think it was something that affected both of us deeply, but right now I have no clue what it could be,” the attorney confessed to him.
After hearing what he said about Okita’s illness during the Bakumatsu she told Saitoh that she had seen a vision of blood on his partner when he first mentioned the man this morning in his office. She also knew that she had warm regard for the short, master swordsman, that he had been an important friend to both of them. She wished that she could meet Okita in this life.
She agreed with Saitoh that times had changed. Women were no longer property to be lorded over by their husbands. However, Tokio knew that a caring husband wanted only what was best for his wife and that there were times when it was best to just listen and obey for the sake of safety. He reminded her of this important fact when he told her that she had been wise to follow the instructions that he gave at the diner, telling her that if he ever spoke to her in such a tone, there was a reason for it and she would do well to listen. She knew she would.
She sat up a little straighter when he asserted that she might be offended by his next revelation. She hoped that he would be candid with her, regardless of the subject matter, and he did not disappoint, revealing the information without mincing words. At least now she knew where playing with her unbound hair led. Well, what did she expect? They certainly would have engaged in those sorts of activities, during the course of a normal married life.
“You have no recollection of this, do you?”
“No, I’m sorry I don’t, not yet anyway,” she said, a slight blush ghosting across her cheeks. Perhaps it was better she didn’t remember the intimate encounters of their past until they knew each other better in the present. “But I do like to be close to you and I like it when you hold me. Maybe touching my hair will help me remember…,” she trailed off, hesitating a moment before adding, “…and I miss you when we are apart.” How idiotic a feeling towards a man you’ve known for a whole 24 hours, she thought to herself. His hand scooped up hers and gave it a reassuring squeeze as he reminded her, again, of his honorable intentions. She trusted his promise not to push her, but she knew that *if* he still had feelings for her, it wouldn’t be easy for him. Did he feel more than just a responsibility that stemmed from his sense of duty? It was too early to ask that question. But she really did want to know how he felt about her now.
Tokio nodded in understanding, knowing how difficult it had to be for him to tell her these things that she had asked. So that was it. He passed away six years before she did. Tears welled in her eyes as she thought about how he suffered during his last days. She now remembered that Midori, her daughter-in-law, had been there to help her. They removed the phlegm from his mouth as he coughed it up. It broke her heart to see him struggle with his illness. “But you were strong and stoic to the end. You left this world in seiza,” she reminded him, “with me sitting behind you, my arms around you, holding you until you took your last breath.” Tokio looked stricken, bringing her free hand over to join the one of hers he was holding. She felt so lost and hopeless when he was no longer by her side her. If not for living with her oldest son, and being surrounded by his five or six children, she wasn’t able to recall exactly how many grandchildren there were, she would have found a way to follow her husband to the afterlife.
The attorney sensed that the most difficult admissions were yet to come. His face took on a haunted look that frightened her, when he spoke of his heavy drinking during the first Meiji era, confessing that under the influence of alcohol, he was ill-tempered, disagreeable and sometimes violent. But he was correct; he never, ever laid a hand on her. Yes, sometimes it did seem that she would be crushed by his attitude when he was under the influence, but she always managed to bring him back to his old self, eventually.
She had a confession of her own to make now that she was able to remember. “During those times when you drank, I was frustrated with you and the way you acted. You are right; you never laid a hand on me in anger in our entire married life. I don’t know how I know that, but I do.” The little voice piped up that he had laid a hand on her plenty of times, but only because he wanted to please her. “I’m sorry, I never should have called you an ornery old wolf, regardless of how you acted, because I knew that it wasn’t you, it was the sake talking.” She lowered her voice to an almost inaudible whisper, “and I know I loved you back then, very much, and that is not something to say to someone you love.”
“I have heard that those who do not learn from the mistakes of the past are condemned to repeat them.”
She shivered against him, almost dreading what he would tell her next after she just admitted to how she felt about him all those years ago. Would he tell her that their first marriage was a mistake, because of his alcohol induced bouts of nastiness? Would he tell her that he wouldn’t subject her to his bad temper in this lifetime? She was still holding one of his hands in both of hers when he stood and walked away from her, leaving a cold feeling in the pit of her stomach.
Leaning on a nearby table for support, he began speaking about his use of alcohol in this era, and why it became a problem. Her heart ached for him. In this life she had not suffered; in this life he had lost almost everything. She listened in anguished silence, wanting nothing more than to comfort and support him, to erase the hurt in his heart and mind. When this honest, honorable man before her admitted to carrying this one mistake of his for the rest of his life, she could not hold back the tears that trickled down her cheeks. He admitted the horrible impact his addiction had on his family, and how he was trying to stay sober. She knew he was a fighter, and she had no doubt that he would ultimately win this battle he was fighting with himself.
“This is not the sort of information a man wants to share with a woman he’s attracted to and admires, but you need to be aware that I have a serious liability, one that you would do well to consider before we get any closer than we already are.”
Rising up to meet him as he approached her, she took the things he offered and set them down on the bench where she’d been sitting. She knew what it cost a man like Saitoh to admit to anyone that he had lost control and submitted to a personal weakness. She slipped her arms around his waist and drew herself close to him, resting her cheek against his chest, listening to his steady heart beat. “Thank you for sharing all of this with me. I can hardly imagine how difficult this episode of your life has been for you.” The loss of Yaso, the woman he loved dearly, in such a brutal manner; drowning himself in alcohol as a result; and giving up his children to the care of his sister –that witch, her mind interjected- would have killed a lesser man.
“Thank you for being so honest with me. You have no idea what it means to me to be taken into your confidence, but I already knew most of this,” she stopped speaking a moment to look into his eyes. “This morning, my secretary told me about how you turned to the bottle after what happened to Yaso-san, and she told me a ‘rumor’ about what Okita-san did for you, too, but I know that she was only disguising the truth out of respect for you.”
“I have considered what you did to try to cope with your family tragedy, and I don’t think of it as a liability. I think of it as a life challenge, something that I would be honored to help you with if you would allow me.”
She had to turn away from him then, because the little trail of tears welling from her eyes would soon become a river if she didn’t get a grip on herself. It hurt her so much to know that such severe pain and anguish had plagued him in this lifetime.
Stepping over to the bench, she silently grabbed her shoulder holster and fastened it over her body armor before donning her blouse. Tokio left it loose at the bottom, so she would have easy access to her side arm. She wasn’t ready to face him yet. Although she felt completely drained emotionally, she knew that the path of discovery that they were walking was no mistake, and was very necessary. She took comfort in the fact that he was attracted to her and admired her. Creation had to know that she felt the same way about him. Could attraction and admiration blossom into something more? Only time would tell.
Glancing down at her gloved hands, she let out a sigh. It was time to take these things off, but she needed help. She sniffed a couple of times to clear her nose, wishing that she’d put a hanky in her pocket this morning, then she wiped the back of her hand over her eyes to erase the signs of her weakness before speaking. She still didn’t trust herself to keep her composure, so she kept her back to him as she spoke.
“My medi-burn gloves are supposed to come off today. It takes two hands to get them off, and since I live alone there is no one there to help me. Would you mind removing them for me, now that we are finished with our target session?”
As an afterthought she added, “By the way, who is Tsutomu?” It was the name she whispered in that vision she had.