A conversation at a crossroad.

[saitoh_hajime]

“There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroad, afraid, confused, without a road-map. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. Of course when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back.” –Lucas Scott


To read what happens next, go to Staring the Day, Saitoh Family Stile, followed by Release to the Wild. 

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[saitoh_hajime]

(What a difference a lifetime makes.)

Sitting at the kitchen table, the two of them illuminated by filthy winter sunlight, Saitoh couldn’t help but recall memories of similar discussions a lifetime before.

He looked down at the hard grip Tokio had on his hand, the protective gesture the same in this era as it had been hundreds of years prior. For all her kindness, she was a fierce woman, who had been willing to suffer, just as he had, for the betterment of others, especially their children.

For the security of his family he’d uprooted them, isolated them, forced them to live by aliases and spent more time away from those he loved best to try and build a strong foundation for society. Tokio had born these necessary burdens without a word of complaint. He’d led and she’d always followed him, trusting in his ability to do rightly by her and their children and keep them safe and sound despite the dangerous times they lived in.

In this life, however, Tokio was not, nor would she ever be a passive partner. Unquestionably, she was his equal in every way and had no qualms about giving her opinions, pushing back when she disagreed with him and moving forward as she saw fit, boldly and without regret. The fact she was determined to watch out for Tsutomu, to be the protector and advocate that his son needed, only made him love her more.

“I’ll do my best to convey those thoughts to him,” he promised. There was steel beneath the silk of her words. Despite being an innocent, having not being intimate with a man, to say nothing of giving birth to children in this existence, her instincts were strong, those of a mother, and a mother was the most dangerous of any species when a child’s safety was on the line.

As the conversation deepened like volleys, her expression became as somber as his.

He’d known this morning’s discussion, like those in the past, while absolutely necessary, would be difficult. As any good officer would before a battle, he’d tried to prepare Tokio for this moment, had tried to steel himself to be what needed to be done. Things were being said that could not be taken back, topics brought up that were gut wrenching. Mechanically, he’d provide what perspective he could, cold statistical data about how long each of them would expect to remain living in light of all the changes that taken place in the course of 72 hours. While he’d long accepted the potential fate of dying in the line of duty, acknowledging that Tsutomu and Tsuyoshi were in danger of becoming human collateral was an achy, icy blow to both the mind and heart.

People who lived safe, easy lives were all too willing to describe some inane issue as “life or death”. Inwardly he sneered and wondered how many of the simpering asshats would have the balls…err…or in Tokio’s case, lady bits to actually shoulder the burdens of such a thing. While it was his sworn duty as well as Tokio’s to keep the citizenry safe, or at least provide the best illusion of one as possible, there were far too many bleating sheep in New Meiji who took so much for granted and failed to realize that in every society, security always had and always would come at a very high cost.

Willful ignorance was disgraceful and those who indulged in it were soft, foolish, cowardly, a trifecta of fuck-wittery if there was one. This was no skirmish they were engaged in, it was a strategic discussion of the utmost importance, one that would influence the rest of their lives and that his…no, dammit!...their children.

Don't sugar coat it with me, Hajime. I think that you are being generous. I doubt if I would last longer than another couple of weeks on my own. His composure broke for a moment at the forced control her voice, at her hard, less optimistic assessment of her lifespan and his eyes began to burn, naked grief and horror at the idea of her demise savaging his features. Unwilling to let her such an embarrassing lack of self-control, he looked away for a moment, back to the window with its bloody sunlight shining through.

Relief flooded through him when Tokio confirmed that the boys could not go back to his sister in the event he was killed doing his duty. She was willing to help, to guide him in raising the boys far better than he ever could by himself. The fact she actively remembered his older siblings across multiple lifetimes and hated the woman’s guts was testament to Tokio’s unerring instincts. She dismissed them, but they were strong and as straight as a saber. Her instincts, he knew, would help save them all.

She was going to stay with him. Be with him. With her present, this awful, aching shade of a house, would truly become a home again, a joyful, safe place.

All of you need help. Your house is large enough to accommodate another person. It would be my privilege and honor to do what I can to lend stability to your household and to help you and the boys. Saitoh nodded, his approval clear, as she agreed to his request. Like him, she was pragmatic and sensible even in the face of damning odds and difficulties. She knew that she’d been his wife and he’d been her husband and that this life would be a continuation of the previous one.

(This is going better than I had anticipated) Not an optimist by a long shot, this was a pleasant development.

I will take you up on your offer to continue training me…

(Yes, things were definitely on the upswing)

…That is another good reason for me to stay here because it will be more convenient.

“I agree,” he began, preparing to switch gears and ask her to tell him more about her conversation with Tsutomu. “Getting married is the logical course of action....Wait. What?”

Convenient

Instincts of his own began sounding off, as rusty and out of practice as they were after three years.

“Tokio?”

Something, perhaps his stomach, iced over like a shallow puddle at the first blast of winter and then sank as he took in the woman’s expression. The light…her light…was dying in her storm grey eyes as if the breathtaking hope and utter joy he’d seen shining in them the morning before when she’s acknowledged who she was to him was being cruelly dashed on sharp tidal rocks.

There were many things that were convenient in life. Finding a spare package of cigarettes in a desk drawer was convenient, green lights during car chases were convenient, having boys who finally had the sense to lift a toilet lid up when they had to take a leak was convenient (and far less messy) but this was not that.

Being reunited with his better half, the woman that he would kill for without a moment’s hesitation was not a convenience. She was the focal point of his existence.

And then, impossibly, she THANKED him for trying to keep her alive and by his side and bowing her head as she if owed him, murmured quietly that she and her family would be forever grateful.

(Hells Bells) Clearly his notion that the discussion had been going well was incorrect. Damnably so.

“Tokio. Look at me.”

Impatiently, worriedly, he caught her chin with his fingers and gently brought her aching, expressive gaze up to his. What he saw hurt. She was hurting. His eyes widened as he took in grief, resignation, anything but the joy he’d been expecting, the joy that he himself had been feeling only seconds before.

Convenient. Is that what she thought marriage would be, as unconventional as the arrangement was?

Had he been wrong about what she wanted?

Did she still want him? After she’d seen him so weak, so broken the night before, he wouldn’t blame her if she’d changed her mind.

“What…” his words died, becoming ash in his mouth.

“Tokio,” He finally was able to rasp out her name without sounding like a ninny. “I promised you that I’d not take anything you weren’t willing to give.”

“Is this not what you want?” No longer sure, he removed his hand from her face.

He steeled himself against the sharp disappointment that was already coursing through his bloodstream like a poison.

“I will, of course, respect your wishes in this matter.”